Picking up the pieces

"Your positivity is your asset, build on it, don't deplete it. When there is a low or an obstacle fight it. Face it. Don't lose hope. Don't give up. Just be you... Sunshine against all odds..." - wrote PS to me.

Well I didn't break into a million pieces; but I felt like I lost a part of myself and I had to find it at as soon as I could.

I have had a hard few months, healthwise I have been at one of my lowest points. Kept hoping, things gets better. But like the product life cycle, before you witness rejuvination or rebirth you have to witness the decline. Well maybe I have or I haven't yet reached that point and therefore until I get there, I will not see any kind of improvement.

But today I found myself at the lowest point I could imagine, I hope I don't feel lower than this, ever. It frustrated me and I lost my positivity. 

As soon as I walked out from the Doctor's clinic, my mind raced and tried to gauge what had just transpired and my mind just went blank. I felt like I had just been crushed from every side, and just couldn't make sense of all that was happening.
My mind went through all the people I could possible call to make sense of what was happening and I just called Piglet. Told him whatever the doctor told me and vented my frustrations, spoke to him about all the connections my mind was revealing to make sense of what was happening. 
Well I didn't get diagnosed with a life threatening disease or something that was incurable (blessing no. 1). But for that moment I felt like my life has taken a steep turn again and I have had enough of these twists and turns and maybe its time to give it all up and just let go.

I discussed with piglet about the various things that might be causing me stress, and many things that I was afraid to admit. 
All I needed at that point was a listening ear and that's what he gave me (blessing no. 2).

The day got better from then on. Met a sweet little 4 yr old, who distracted me (blessing no. 3). My colleagues and me then made notebook covers and enjoyed the whole process of learning and creating something new (blessing no. 4).

I still needed to vent, so I had dinner with Pri. I sat and spoke about things that made sense to me. But given the mess in my head, all Pri heard was contradictions, lack of clarity and fear of rejection. She called me on each one of them and all I could do is see the light (blessing no. 5).

After the enlightening dinner, I called Piglet back, told him about my insecurities and felt better. I have done it before, but this time I felt freer (blessing no. 6). 
I need to actually live something through to understand if I should carry it along or leave it behind and carry on. Well I guess I realised I had to leave one aspect of our relationship behind and carry on (blessing or not, I don't know... only time will tell :)).

But I still felt empty, I had to talk to G. But he didn't pick up the call and it struck me, why do I search for something from G, everytime I am down? when all I need to do is process and rationalise it within myself (blessing no. 7). This lesson is being reinforced time and again, its high time I completely internalise it.

The next thing I needed was an escape, I came home and asked PS that I wanted to visit her. She didn't waste a second to invite me to stay over for a couple of days. But the other thing she did, was remind and reinforced the fact that I was being stupid and that I was leaving behind my positive self and that I should not be a Ostrich and face everything head on, like I always do (blessing no. 8).

PS asked me to list my blessings, instead of concentrating on the negatives. 
While writing this post I realised that I didn't even have to look far to find 8 good things that happened today, opposed to that one negative thing that took over everything.

Well going back to be the sun shiny me... loving all those who help me see the light, time and again.

Just the way you are...

There is a certain kind of joy that radiates out of knowing that someone chooses to love you.
As a Catholic, you are always told, " you are special because you are made in the imagine and likeness of God", "God has chosen you, he loves you", all these positive things somehow are taken for granted. Like even your parents and siblings love for you, because they are supposed to love you. But when a stranger loves you, opens up their life to you, well that's what we give importance to.

Then the question is asked, "what is so great in me that someone chooses to loves me?"
We forget the positivity that love brings and go into the spiral of trying to understand 'why'. Well sometimes the answer is favourable, sometimes it not, but for what its worth, it makes you feel like a million dollars!

I have experienced lots of types of love, right from the love of a parent to siblings, to selfish relatives to selfless relatives, to wonderful friends, to something they call platonic love, to one sided love, to passionate love and to simple love.
The best kind of love is loving someone for who they are, not for something that they can be, or were or the person they can tweak, till they are perfect for us.

I am in search for a love which I know will start as a compromise, but waiting for it to turn into the love which will resonate the vows I will take ~ to love him for the good times and bad, sickness and health, richer or poorer, till death do us apart.

Well writing this blog to mark, me taking the next step into life, going beyond hope, going beyond ~ I will move on after you are settled, when its sure that there is no hope left.
Wishing myself luck for life will never be the same.
Started the year on a platter of mixed emotions, well ending it on the same note. Good luck to me, waiting to discover what the future has in store for me.

Circle of life...

As I sat on the steps of Rani ki vov in Adalaj, my thoughts went back to  the memories I left behind, and few, that I was about to create.
My thoughts were revealing a pattern that I always ignored and it wouldn't let me ignore it anymore...

While sitting in silence on the steps that lead to the well, my thoughts lead me through the dark deep well of my life which has passed me by and forced me to think about my priorities, my dreams and how I picture my life would be...
They reiterated how difficult it is to accept what you have at hand, especially when it is not how you pictured it all along.
It reminded me that, I have somewhere along the way stopped planning how my life should be or how I would want it to be... and that has made me live a freer life than I would have ever imagined...

Always wondered how will it be if I 'let go'... 'let go' of things that imprison me within myself... the compulsions and complications that I create for myself... is it really that hard to live life on your own terms or is it me who makes it all the more difficult to accept myself as I am...   

My thoughts took me as far away as those days when I was a giddy headed girl who was too afraid to look beyond what she believed was right, and had blinders on, who didn't allow herself to look beyond her values and principles. A girl who would prefer killing herself from within rather than be open to experiences... 
Well I have come a long way from those days, life has taught me some bitter lessons and put me inside a shell which was hard to break... but the same life has now helped me embrace experiences, which I wouldn't normally even consider. 

So today I accept the fact that I am an open book, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am afraid of being hurt, but that doesn't mean I will not put myself out there, I can love unconditionally and it is easier for me to express, more than some people, I am compassionate and I hurt as easily as I love, I can't face conflicts, or even ask something that is due to me, I believe in the goodness of others and I am silent... I love the silence but at the same time crave for someone to listen to me and help me clear the webs that have been clogging many parts of my life, but I find it difficult to trust someone with my truths...  

I felt happy thinking about the time we stared at the Taj Mahal from the Agra fort and imagined how it would be part of the huge crew that created the magnificent structure... and there was a strong urge that made me pick up the phone and call him... but it was a sign when he said he will call me back. That moment was all it took to remind me that my happiness doesn't depend on anyone, I don't have to always be able to share a moment with someone to make it better (even though it would be great)... the warmth in my heart is all I need to be feel good.. and it is time to make more and different memories...

Then my thoughts drifted to the future, well I don't know what that is going to bring... the only thing I can do is to hope, to have the strenght to face whatever comes with a smile.

Falling in love is so easy... but sustaining the love is the hard part. How do you get out of your own selfish need to be loved or your love to be reciprocated and not think about the larger picture? Well that is what the next chapter of my life is going to teach me. Another truth to accept...

Getting ready for the next phase of my life, I kept telling myself you have 'let go', which may have not been completely true, but all it actually took was sitting in silence and readying myself to accept whatever comes my way, sitting on the steps of Rani Ki Vov...