Pure unadulterated joy :)

I want to put on record that today the 30th of April, has been one of the most wonderful days of my life.

2 of my students got through the internship they wanted. 1 realised that education is important.
We got our computers, so we can start computer classes soon.
I found 2 mentors for my kids. Their enthusiasm and the fact that they said 'yes' and were happy, made me happier.
I spoke about my experience at the observation home with my senior and received a positive response.
The reasons why I love my job were reinforced.
I am clearer about what I want to do with my life.
I realised there are more people who look out for my welfare, than those who want me to fail.
I realised it doesn't take too much for me to be purely happy.
I made someone's day.
I am finding my feet in my new job - shows that I am discovering that this is my passion.
I have started prioritising - something I have had lots of issues with.

I am happy :)
This my friends, is what I call 'pure unadulterated joy!'

Gratitude

Thank you for loving me. I am unable to put down in words the way it makes me feel.
You taught me that, there can be relationships which are only based in love, trust and understanding and that fights are not part of the equation.
You have made me secure for evermore, just by loving me.

Being human

I suddenly find myself surrounded by talks about the Juvenile Justice System. As part of my new job, I have to facilitate few sessions in an observation home in Mumbai.
Every time, I enter the place, I find myself breathing hard, find myself getting ready to detach myself from every thing I am going to witness in that space.

When I step outside the gate after the session, I find myself emotionally drained. Maybe it takes a lot for me to detach emotionally from any thing.

Yesterday I had to walk into those gates all alone for the first time, and I was hoping that I would be able to detach without draining myself emotionally.

Well, I didn't anticipate what I was about to witness, or else I would have preferred not to get out of my bed in the morning.

When children are brought into the home, all their belongings are confiscated and handed back only after they get out. As I was walking out of the girl's quarters, a girl was brought in. I took a quick look at all the things they were getting out of her bag, and the letters indicated that she must have run away from home to be with her boyfriend, in the name of the almighty love! 
So they were checking her mouth, her bra, to check if she was hiding something.

I walked out of the space, one because it was time for me to leave, and secondly, I didn't like what I was seeing.
Unfortunately, I had to return, I had to pass on a message to the woman incharge of the girls. As I knocked on the huge iron door, no one opened it. But all I could hear, were sobs and screams. Apparently they were trying to force feed her some medicines and she was resisting. Her body couldn't flee from the situation, so she fought. The screams got louder now and I could hear the female caretaker screaming at her, she had bit the police woman.
Suddenly the door opened and I saw her lying on the floor and woman caretaker trying to get her up. I decided not to enter. 
Again I heard a feeble voice, asking for money. Followed by a harsh and loud voice, asking her if she had swallowed something, and more importantly if she had swallowed the money she had on her.
I couldn't just stand there anymore, so I knocked on the door again and this time someone opened. I just asked the caretaker, whose voice I could hear from outside the door, if I could meet the person incharge of the girls, finished my work and walked out as fast my legs would take me.

When I stepped out the iron door, my legs felt weak. I felt helpless. I could have done something for that poor little child. I could have reasoned with the caretaker and the police officer and told them how they could have got through her with some better words rather than screaming and being harsh.
But I just walked out. Walked out, because I was not supposed to interfere with anything else, not get emotionally sucked into anything.

I found a bench to sit on and called a friend. Asked him to talk to me about something, he instinctively knew something was wrong and I narrated what I had just experienced and how helpless I felt.
As I sat there, in front of the juvenile court, I saw the police woman, the caretaker walking the girl to the investigation room, and the caretaker had the girl's money in her hand - it made me feel worse.
At that very moment, I realised I had to put myself together for I had to facilitate a session with 12 other boys.

The whole time, the only thing that ran through my head was, what will it take to get them to care. They chose this job, they have been handed these children to take care of them and not abuse. I then wondered about the girl, how violated she must have felt!
As I slept in my bed at night, the only thought that crossed my mind was, as sleep comfortably in my house, with my mom nearby, with family and friends just a call away. The poor children in the observation home only hope to go back home, and maybe home is worse that where they are tonight.
Just pray that their future brings them some joy and happiness and the memories of this phase is wiped clean from their hearts and minds.

And as for me, I need to figure how I am going to help these children. For maybe this is my calling and I have to introspect and figure if I am ready to answer the call.

Draw the line!

You are comfortable in your skin, your self and your space is all you need to survive.
I need to understand this, I need to stop finding a crevice to crawl into. 
I need to stop hoping to make space for myself.
You have spent enough of time with yourself, and are not open any more to anyone like me, who wants to embrace you and share some space with you.

I need to breath in and live this reality. 
It is time I understand and imbibe this reality as part of my being.
I need to stop allowing myself to be vulnerable and hurt. It is not that you are intentionally doing this. It is just the way you are.
And the onus is on me now, to draw the line and say this is all of my self I am willing to put out there and nothing more.

I am stepping back. I have done my part. Now I will live my life, like I normally do.
Your scent in my life will fade one day, like the scent of so many before you.
I will lie on my bed all alone, and will hold my pillow for solace once again.
"It is better to be alone", I keep telling myself, but only I know how much I need someone to be besides me, while I walk on this road called life.

Random thoughts

I have experienced people, I have experienced their love. I have hugged them and known them in and out. I have let go, but always looked back. 

But you are different. I have a bond with you, which I have never been able to develop with anyone before.
You are on my mind the whole day, and your voice is all I need, to feel complete.
You talk to me, listen to me and we have a conversation like no other. Each moment of silence is also so comfortable that, it leaves me feeling warm.
I do love you with all my heart, knowing that you will never feel the same about me. Most of the time I do not refrain from saying just how you make me feel or how I want you to make me feel, and it is just to make you feel better rather than to fulfil the expectation of you reciprocating how I feel.
I hope you realise you feel as strongly as I feel about you; but I shall always give you your space.
I hope you invite me into your life, as your life partner. That we commit to each other to the end of time. We walk together through life's ups and downs and we hold each when we are happy or sad. 
I hope that we are each other's confidants and we travel together whenever it fancies us.

We will always be individuals. Living our lives, our dreams and walking towards our goals. But I hope that every evening, after we have lived the lives we have built for ourselves; we come together as one being and live the life we have built for us.

But how do I tell a wanderer to settle down? How do I prepare myself to let go more that holding on? How do I be fine about living without a permanent address and an anchor? How do I be fine about not wanting to have children? How do I live in fear, that one fine day you may just not be happy with me? How do I live knowing that you may want to detach yourself from my side?

Well, maybe its this dilemma that helps stay close to you, without allowing me to fall so deeply in love with you that I find that I will be another Radha to a Krishna. Well I have done that, and it hurts very bad; so this maybe another way to preserve myself - just love but don't expect anything in return. 

I wish

I wish, I were on your mind right now.
I wish, you were running around arranging for the materialistic things that would help us build our life together.
I wish, the houses you looking at, were for us to live together.
I wish, travel plans were being made to my home town and not hers.
I wish, the dreams you weaving, had me in them.
I wish, I was part of the plans you are making right now.
I wish, I could plan the wedding of my dreams, with you standing at the altar.
I wish, I could dance in the middle of the dance floor in your arms.
I wish, our friends could hug both of us, and wish us the best for our future together.

Well, it is only a wish, which will never be reality. But the only hope is that you have a wonderful and happy life with the one you are destined to. And hopefully I will too find the happiness I sought from you, in the arms of another.