clear atlast

I am happy truly happy today... I feel my life is sorting itself out...

This is not the right forum to say what exactly has sorted my life- in due time I will end up blogging about how happy it has made me....

but the way I plan it now it looks like 15th April is freedom day..... yeah, I can atlast give a date... :)

The best part is I don't feel useless and confused anymore...

Love the feeling right now.

welcome - obey traffic rules

I recently went to Kanpur for a trip... it was a good city like any other...

but the thing that took my breath away was the road...

the rash driving, the stubborn cows on the road and the numerous cycle rickshaws.

I have seen my share of cows on the road in Mumbai but the difference in the cows in Kanpur are that they make the traffic rules - they rush towards the cars while the Mumbai cows run the other way...

The best part about the trip was seeing the Ganga... it was beautiful...

The feeling of being on the GT road was also very different - it was like being a part of something which is so much more that you.

Both the Ganges and the GT road - signified longevity and something which is long and that I am bearing witness to something so minisclue compared to what it actually is...

Felt good.

Always remember if your are in Kanpur - dare not to J walk.

Will I ever learn...

Life is always better when you are on the other side.... I agree....

being on this side of the fence - I being me, am lost.... in my great need to be sweet and understanding I don't always say what I want to do.... and who suffers??? - the answer is so easy - ME....

I am still clueless and don't know how to say what I really want to say - "no don't go - you were supposed to be with me... I wore something special only for you" - but what do I end up saying - "no, no go, its ok with me.... no yaar I understand"....

I know you don't understand where I am coming from - some of you all will....

But for all those who know me understand because unlike others they have reference to context...

Anyways - I'll end up crying a little, a little frustrated and will end up having a very unpleasant conversation with the one I was referring too...

Life will go on... but I - will never learn to say what I feel...

Just one question before the rest follow...

I dont know what to do, I am on a different kind of cross roads - the kind I never thought Iwould be on and the kind i never want to be on....
I seemingly have all I ever wanted to since I was a young girl - but now I dont know if its time to end it...
Nothing seems as its going to work out - time is not healing anything, its just unwrapping new wounds...
It seems to just be a spiral coming back to the same old question - is it time?
and the answer seems to be the same - "yes" - its time to end on good terms - it will be hard for a while but .... eventually it will get better... eventually it will be brighter... eventually things will change....
I need the answer to one question - do I mean more than every other thing?
and if the answer is "yes" - then I will carry on....
and if its "no" then - time will eventually learn to heal my wounds...

My Job

Mixed feelings - the two words that can best describe how I feel about the thing that has changed the way I thought my life is going to be...
I love it when I get the freedom of being creative, meeting new people, trying out different things, seeing new places, and most of all the company that I have currently around me...
I hate it when I get questioned on my way of thinking, when I made to feel I am not good enough, when bureaucracy creeps into the system... when I feel like I am been hanged because someone else's mistakes, when communication channels are closed - just because people feel they have something better to do... and most of all when the time I give is not appreciated and how much ever you do, you are still made to feel that you haven't done enough....
If I weight what I have just written, I feel what I am still doing here???
But like someone said to me the other day,"Its your first job, you will always feel like you can live with it", - so I have decided to live with it... because whatever little I have seen of other corporates is that - "this is not the place for me, I belong somewhere else...".
So when I am resigning from my job - the answer is, "when I have nothing to list down in the likes para...".

CLUELESS...

I am currently clueless.... some may say as always, but I know that it feels different this time.
I don't know where I am heading... period.
I always knew the hard truth that everything does not go "my way" - but when its actually happening I am clueless about how to deal with it...
Speak to friends - they do understand ... give me ways to get out of it... believe in me, but I don't believe in me...
Speak to family - they don't understand... they remind me of how things have been hard and how I should learn to deal with it...
So after all the brooding where do I stand - CLUELESS...

attitude ajustment

Life I agree has to end one day .But I believe we have a say in how we live our lives and how it will end, at least to an extent. I also believe in a higher power who knows when I will breathe my last.

During exams I always read about people who end their lives to get rid of some temporary problem. These people according to me don’t have the courage to face their problems and never saw their side of the story. Well I didn’t even care.

But something clicked… I realized that it’s not only the fault of the person who did it, but the fault also falls on lack of communication and understanding.

This change in my perception came about a few days ago to be exact on the 21^st of April when I was reading the newspaper I came across in the times about a girl of only 21 who decided to take her own life…. I was just about to dismiss it …. But as I read further I found that the name of the girl was familiar, that’s when I realized she was my friend

She was someone who I looked up to and was close to, but due to some misunderstanding and the fact that I did not attend the same college in the last year, we lost touch. I saw her once last year at McDonalds but she ignored me, which made me feel bad. But I just dismissed it not thinking much about it. But reading about her made me cry…. I couldn’t believe a person like her could and would do such a thing.

I remember praying once when I had just begun going to college,” lord” , I prayed silently, “ help me to empathic to people, let me experience things for myself, so when others go through it I will have a idea of the pain they are going through”. I think this is the way my attitude toward people who suicide changed. Today I feel that its not only the child mistake or the a women’s mistake or for that matter the fault of the man but people who drive them toward it, people who ignore the signs, people who choose not to notice, people who dismiss them as people who cannot be helped are also to blame.

The only thing I can do today to help my friend today is to pray for her, and I do it. I don’t have the courage to meet her parents but I can surely visit her grave.

Everyone who reads this, I would like to request each one of you to please make a small pray today for all those who have ended their life, which ultimately belongs to god prematurely. Thank you.